Satanic Panic? Only In His Dreams!

Making boasts that you can't necessarily back up is par for the course on the Internet.  Go ahead and insult someone, it doesn’t matter what it is about: their favorite sports team, their taste in music, anything personal or superficial – and you can guarantee a response that will include threats of ass-kicking, and perhaps a few warnings about being an MMA fighter, or knowing kung-fu, or having a closet full of guns.

The great thing about these sort of threats, though, is that nine times out of ten, you never have to follow through, especially if the threats are made on an anonymous message board.  So what happens when your boasts and lies spill over into the real world?

I think by now most visitors to this blog are familiar with Jonathon Sharkey’s antics.  If you aren’t, please read the previous blog entries to get a feel for how out of touch this guy is with reality.  To briefly recap some of his biggest boasts:

• He claims to be a 500-year-old vampire, the descendant of Vlad the Impaler (who was NOT a vampire, but I'm sure I don't need to tell YOU that…)
• He claims to be a powerful priest of the goddess Hecate
• He claims to know several forms of martial arts
• He claims to have extensive military training
• He claims to have successfully used black magic to “deal with” enemies
• He claims to be affiliated with the Church of Satan

Now, while this is an impressive list of feats for someone who is in their fifties and doesn’t seem to have led such a charmed life despite knowing some very powerful people and having “magickal ability,” I’m going to mainly focus on the last two, the issues with using black magic and hanging out with the Church of Satan.

First things first: I am not claiming any affiliation with the Church of Satan.  I have, however, read all of the books written by Anton LaVey, and while I don’t identify as a Satanist, I do know several practicing Satanists and I deeply respect their philosophy.  Based on that, I know what it takes to become a member of the Church of Satan, and I know for a fact that they’d never have anything to do with a lunatic like Sharkey.

Let’s start with the first issue: what about Sharkey’s predisposition towards young girls? From LaVey:

“If you attempt to impose your sexual desires upon others who do not welcome your advances, you are infringing upon their sexual freedom.  Therefore, Satanism does not advocate rape, child molesting, sexual defilement of animals, or any other form of sexual activity which entails the participation of those who are unwilling or whose innocence or naïveté would allow them to be intimidated or misguided into doing something against their wishes. If all parties involved are mature adults who willingly take full responsibility for their actions… then there is no reason for them to repress their sexual inclinations.” 

(The Satanic Bible, p. 70)  [emphasis mine]

So there you go.  Regardless of whatever bullshit excuses Sharkey comes up with for his child brides, the fact remains that Satanism DOES NOT ADVOCATE sexual contact with minors UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.  And yes, the definition of minor is in accordance with American law, not some made-up “vampire law.” 

Someone please get this man a dictionary!

While we’re talking about his child brides, let’s talk about his casual use of black magic and hexes.  He claims to have “taken care of” a child molester at the request of the Church of Satan, which sounds noble… if he wasn’t also a pedophile.  But what about his other hexes, for example, the “death hex” he supposedly used on the mother of one of his victims?  What do Satanists say about that?

“If one simply goes about throwing random hexes, supposedly nothing will happen.  As the Satanic Bible explains, one should really mean it if any form of ritual magic is performed.  The same text states, though, that if you curse someone who is undeserving, nothing will happen.  What is the standard of “deserving” – what constitutes a deserving victim?  As we know, those qualities are also covered in the Satanic Bible.”

(The Devil’s Notebook, p. 54) [emphasis mine]

“To dwell upon or constantly complain about the situation upon which your ritual would be based only guarantees the weakening of what should be ritualistically directed force, by spreading it thin and diluting it.  Once the desire has been established strongly enough to employ the forces of magic, then every attempt must be made to symbolically give vent to these wishes IN THE PERFORMANCE OF THE RITUAL – NOT before or after! …Contemplation, daydreaming, and constant scheming burns up emotional energy that could be gathered together in a dynamically usable force…”

(The Satanic Bible, p. 126) [emphasis mine]

 In other words, the reason that Sharkey’s hexes don’t work is because his victims are undeserving, and because he won’t shut up about the purpose behind the hex.  Think about it from a Christian perspective: would you pray to God to kill a rival at your job?  Of course not, because you know that not only is that an extremely selfish request, but it does NOT go along with the basic tenets of Christianity.  Not only that, but by constantly talking about all of his drama, and the ritual itself, he is removing any “power” behind the hex.  It’s sort of like the old adage about a watched pot not boiling – a consistently-talked-about hex will never work.

Hey Impaler, I have a question for you - why do you never hear about psychics who win the lottery?  Maybe for the same reason your hexes don't work: the universe isn't powered by bullshit.

So Sharkey casting hexes at everyone who offends him is the equivalent of shooting blanks.  Not even the forces of darkness are going to give you the power to kill the mother of your child bride so that you can have her all to yourself… and besides that, even if they did, what court in all of the world would give custody to some 50-year-old nutjob claiming to be her husband?

But that’s not even the best part.  We already know that his supposed magic is impotent, but what about his powerful friends at the Church of Satan?  I’ll let them explain it:

Whooooops.

Well, there you have it.  Even the Church of Satan disavows any dealing with him.  They even go so far as to call him out on not being a true Satanist.  I’ve shown the facts to other Satanists I’m acquainted with and they agreed – this guy is not a Satanist, let alone some High Priest Dark Magic Assassin.  In their words, he is "a clown," "a beaten dog that needs to be put down."

How will “The Impaler” respond to these allegations?  Outside of the basic defense of “Uh-uh, you’re lying,” he might possibly claim that he was referring to a DIFFERENT Church of Satan.  Or maybe ret-con his claims and say that he is only affiliated with members, and not ACTUALLY a member.  Well, Jonny Boy, Anton LaVey has something to say to you about that:

“Anyone who resists affiliation with the Church of Satan yet draws from it for any reason, personal or financial, is not independent, only parasitic… That is scavenging of the lowest sort. It is the parasitic role of the groupie, the hanger-on, the lot louse, the kibitzer, the shnorrer, the cake eater, the panhandler who loiters outside a restaurant accosting diners as they depart… Translation: they want all the benefits of affiliation, with none of the responsibilities.”

(Satan Speaks! p. 163-164)

You see, no one cares if you claim to be a priest of Hecate, or Ares, or Osiris, or Morrighan.  Paganism is very loosely structured, and even the covens that do exist within a structure are rarely affiliated with others, having already designed their perfect hierarchy.  But when you say that you’re a part of a VERY structured and “notorious” group, such as the Hells Angels, you had BETTER be able to back it up.  The REAL members of such groups are not entertained by wannabes, nor by people who claim to have the protection of such a group.

Jonathon Sharkey: no affiliation with the CoS, no power behind his hexes, and even other Satanists think he’s creepy.  In the eyes of most people, that’s pretty sad.  What is most depressing is that nothing we uncover about him will stop him from continuing to make up outlandish lies.  They may become harder to uncover, but as we’ve already seen, the Internet never forgets, and more and more people are discovering the truth about him.  No one wants to be associated with such a disgusting, lying, nutty shit-pile like Jonathon Sharkey.

Sources:

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2006/01/intervyew_with_the_vampyre.php
http://thisainthell.us/blog/?p=27204

LaVey, Anton Szandor. The Satanic Bible. New York: Avon, 1969. Print.

LaVey, Anton Szandor. The Devil's Notebook. Portland, OR: Feral House, 1992. Print.
LaVey, Anton Szandor. Satan Speaks! Venice, CA: Feral House, 1998. Print.